yeaps..after so many days of tryin to log in..i managed!three cheers..(praise lord)..neways..had actually alot to write..budden cos of the days absent..lost most of the tots acumulated..
wanna say..the prayer bout mi n him worked.,=)
he was very sensitive regardin mi these few times..ask if i felt neglected..n reassured mi that he lurves mi.,(muahahs!i knew it all along!)
he's been so busy though..i seen him like less than 10 hrs this week.,to b precise around 8hrs+ only.,>.<
*lovesick*..n i hardly get to tok to him on the phone..my sisters r not happy bout it..n he's often too tired..too distracted or too busy..hais..well..diff time calls fer diff love n diff priorities i guess..
i hope that i'll get a little more.,i guess it'll b nice.,=)
been with an n eugene these few days..they make the days shorter n more purposeful though..would have certainly felt empty w/o them..love u guys..loads!
an n i are closer..n i pray god will draw us even much much more closer!n euegene too..realise that he's always been there.,jus as wen i need someone..like on sat..was like so torn n sad bout the incident i cried..n *poof*..he came to pei mi..
went to the merlion with him.,he told mi it was his first time..lol..
we jus stood beside each other n rested on the railings watchin the scene.
din tok..jus comfortable dependence for support.,it felt really great to b there wif one of ur best frens.,truely..was like so tired then..n so mesmerised by the view that i din really answer his questions.,sorrys!
i remembered this sentence he said though,"how nice if we could b w/o studyin stress n jus live by here n jus b happy.."
true..hais..how nice..i guess everyone in life wants smth simple..
it made mi wonder wat's my perfect quiet moment..
i used to dream bout watchin sunrise wif someone i love.,or jus watch the stars by the beach wif my special someone there..to reassure mi of his love.,
*childish grins*..
feel quite deeply into sorrow the past few days..frenship probs..she's my bestie in class..used to do everythin i could for her..took care of her..love her..accompanied her..but well..some frens r jus not meant to be..
zhi han told mi smth touchin that made mi cry n smile at the same time..
he jus pats my head n ask.,"y so sad?cheer up kies?no matter wat, when n how, i'll always b ur fren, you still have mi.,so u should start treasurin mi!"
lol..silly boy..euegene said that too.,this mornin..smth bout he;s alweays there n becos its mi.,he noes things will b fine..i guess..i'm truely fortunate to have them..jus wanna end wif a prayer.,n get back to studyin..
"lord, i come b4 u as a sinner father for i have done things wrong the past few days.,forgive mi for my sins with jesus blood.
father i pour out my troubles to you,lord ee hui told mi smth that she n ying hui has been avoidin mi recently. i feel truely hurt father for i feel i've always delievered my best to them, i have not complained bout havin to give ying hui the luxury of things n ways she wanted n i have never mention nth eveil only nice stuff bout ee hui. i really dunno father y this has happened? lord, have i not been good enough, i have loved them as u have instructed all ur children to love others. i pray father that u'll help mi with this frenship, i do not know if this frenship should b or is worth mending. father i shall leave it to u.,let ur will unfold before mi,n i know lord that when u take smth away from mi,u'll replace it with smth beta. father as i lift myself up n commit myself into ur arms i pray that u'll help mi thru this lord, take away my troubles n give mi peace. remove my sorrows n gif mi happiness. let mi have wisdom, understanding towards them n let mi bear compassion n forgiveness to watever they have done behind mi n to mi, lord i also pray for them that they'll understand n see the truth. let ur will come forth lord, through mi with a purpose, lord in jesus name amen."

jus a prayer for u and mi..
n sum things i wanna say..but i always dun dare to n dunno how to formulate it to words..
lord,i ask for u to come into mi n give mi courage to pour my heart out to u lord.
father mi and paul have been together by ur grace for nearly 3 months.
i would like to thank u lord for putting paul back into my life father as a partner to love n care for.
father i thank u for lettin us have this wonderful breakthru we have from how we went thru the 6 months n come together.
father i thank u for lettin s have so much alike n differences lord to make us special n unique to each other.
lord i know u place him into my life after u for a reason, father and i pray that he'll b my one n always.
lord i invite u n need u to be in the middle of our relationship to patch our disagreements n to give us love so strong that burns eternally with u as fuel.
lord father, i would like to tell u that paul has been a darling in many aspects.he has given mi comfort,love, strength n courage.
lord, although he's lovely n everything, i often feel quite neglected in sum aspects.in days in which he can, he'll deliver love.but lord, many of the times,he's always too busy for me,i know i might be demanding too much so father i pray u make mi less demanding n more willing to accept n compromise.
Lord, i would like to admit that i feel very insecure n tend to rely heavily on him. lord take away this reliance n let mi shift it to u instead. for father i do not wan to burden him animore with my emotional struggles.
Lord i ask for u to make mi more receptive n willing to share with him, n not jus tellin him things halfway.
lord, i pray that he'll b more receptive towards mi too and father give him patience.
Lord as i deliver my best to him without hold backs,let mi b strong in face of disappointments n lead mi into prayer n not saddness. i ask of u father to be with mi and him thru our relationship, and god i couldn't thank u enuff for him. praise u jesus, may ur love hold us togather. Father i also pray for confidence n determination, for bein hurt badly once, i couldn't help but b extremely sensitive. i ask fo u lord to help him thru this period for i'm different from other gals.
forgive mi father for all the negative tots about myself n this relationship, father let my love get stronger and let confidence in myself to him grow too.
father let this relationship not hinder my studies and let everyone esp my family n frens grow to love him much so. thank u jesus for listening n sharing my heart, in jesus name, amen.

dearest, many of the times, i dunno how to tell u how i really feel, cos i hate to burden u down.as for today i feel lost, n not given enuff attention. i know u tried ur best, but ur rush to send mi off made mi feel quite a burden to u, n i miss u so much, esp when i took the effort to push off everyone for u. i really like ur frens, but jus i really am in an unfamilir env. w/o anyone i can turn to, that's y i need more reassurance at the end, perhaps jus a 5-10 mins of comfort i'll feel impt again. but u din realise or was too rush to notice my awkward behavior. its my fault, i'll grow to b more independent after this lesson. i dun wan u to feel caught in the middle, cos i hate that feeling n i dun wan it on others and that's y i din wanna like tell u much, not becos of anithin, jus becos i love u so much that i dun wanna hurt u. but i jus wanna share this, and let u noe how i truely really felt, becos i wanna b frank with u. times have come in which we start to really get to know each other better, n ya, i hope i can have the courage to present myself jus plainly as samantha without ani holdbacks, jus as u bein fully urself infront of mi. its definately not going to be easy, we'll even go thru phrases in which voice will b raised, views will differ n that we'll feel tired, but love, hold my hand n we'll move on together kies?
my question would jus utimatley be: are u willing to take my hand n walk thru too?

my mood hasn't been good this few days bahs..its either too happy n hyper..or like grouchy n bitter..was jus starin into blank air from 7:46..den log on to com..
argh!i jus got tis sudden urge to read zhi han's blog..but i cant find it.,=(..
neways..pop by eugene's blog..100th post.,wow..
i wonder how he keeps up with so much discipline..
n like i wonder y he wun mind lettin the whole world noe?
i used to keep long blogs..like havin half a yr of my life..
but things happen..pple read..start spreadin..
den got into conflicts jus becos of my blog..(-.-!!!)..
so diao rite..hello..its a blog..blog=onlinediary?!n in ur diary u write out ur most wonderful or horrible tots?
if not wat..start bein courteous to ur diary n go like
"oh hi diary,i'm sam.,wat's yr name?"-----get a life pple!
ok..see..i've been so prickly n cynical these few days..*slaps myself*..

suddenly remembered smth i din wan to..i suppose..hais..
1 emotion i hate to live with is saddness..
1 emotion i hate to face most is disappointment..cos it'll lead to a whole chain of saddness n everythin..
i've been facin this often these few days..that's like so shitty..
wishin fer sum thin to bright up n truely bring mi a smile i suppose..
sumone did.,=)..but it wasn't very helpful..thanks tat wei sir though..=D
u shuldn't like onli send mi so few words can?*bish*..dun lalala or boo..like i dunno..hahs..kies..(mai hiam rite?)
mi n him used to have this huge arguement..
arguement abt sumthing called "dependence"..
inititally.,he told mi.,
"u're bein too independent..u should share yr burden with mi n let mi play a part in decision making with u.."..ok..case close..i tried to let him come into this picture..n i tot..
hmms..its good to have sumone to rely on..he cares..n like u can rest on sumone n share ur views..
then in the followin months..
"can't u b independent?.."..hais..i tot it was my fault..
then i saw a fren n her bf..how they walked their love life n how happy they are..den i ask her..
"are u very independent?"
she jus said.."i can't live w/o him..so wat do u tink?"
hmmm..jus such a simple answer..i told her my plight in a story n she said..
"in a relationship,its abt comin together n resting on each other in the path of love..if u cant even rest n depend on the person u love..den who can u depend on?wat's the difference abt bein alone or not?u might as well b alone..at least more attention would b showered.."
it hit mi like a pang!den that's when i tot of leavin him..
hais..this incident came back to my mind these few days again..dunno y..jus rather disturbed by it..mayb i need a jog..or somethin..get sum air into my head later..
he also once commented that.,
"y are u so down..the gal i used to love is always happy bubbly n cheerful"..n i used to blame myself too..
but now i'll jus like to slap him n tell him..
u're suppose to b sumone i share everythin with..esp my tears..if u jus love my smiles..den bastard..f off..cos face it..this is hu i am..
-i ran into him from a distance downstairs today-
so that's y i'm abit jia lat..need company..feel lost..*hugs myself*..
i dunno hu to go to..zhi han doesn't noe bout him..euegene..poor him..he's always caught in between..an's birthday's today..
which reminds mi..
"een yuan long pls fuck off n get a life..stop askin euegene where am i..if u have this thin called guilty conscious..u wouldn't have 2-timed mi n hurt mi..so its too late swine..jus prove ur cock worthy..n b a man..stop avoidin mi like sum cheap filthy low down animal who can't face sunlight..i'm the one's that's the victime asshole!look at mi!!stop actin like i'm the one that hurt u..stupid bloody idiot..no brains can..if u dun wan ur dear frens to noe den jus bloody hell..pretend that nth happen..this way u'll jus land urself in eternal discrimination.."
ok..wilson jus msg mi..i'll go find him bahs..i need u love..but u're so tired..i cant bear to wake u up or face ani disappointment if u dun answer my calls..

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